Puritan Reformed Theological Seminary
Marital Conflict and Abuse
Joshua Lamb
612: Issues in Counseling
March 3, 2017
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Intro
Imagine sitting down at your desk and a young couple comes in for counseling. They look distraught and weathered. For the past several months they have not slept in the same bed and grown farther and farther apart. There have been accusations, crying, and verbal sparring matches that leave both parties defeated and sullen. Now they come to you for guidance as to what to do. This is a scenario played out in many different counseling offices the world over, even Christian ones, because our sin nature causes conflict to be an imminent result of two people in a relationship. After all, “The same heart with the same desires is active in both conflict and romance”1 Sometimes the level of conflict is manageable, and other times it can cross the line into flat out abuse.
In this paper we will examine both the scenarios of couples in conflict as well as the saddening reality of domestic violence. It will serve us well to look through the lens of the three characters involved. First there are the couples who are fighting on equal footing, followed by the abuser, and lastly the victim. Each character needs to be addressed in a different manner. The couples need to be (re)taught the Bible’s view on gender roles and conflict, the abusers need to be challenged, and the victims comforted.
The statistics regarding domestic violence continue to increase. The CDC reports that 1 in 4 women in the United States who are eighteen or older have been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime. This poses a challenge for the church because we are to be a light to those who are abused and oppressed, but also because there is no guarantee that the perpetrators of these crimes are always outside the church. In fact, accounts continue to show that perpetrators of domestic violence take advantage of the silence of the church on these issues, as well as twist biblical teaching to endorse their oppressive agenda. As a result of this behavior, the wider culture often blames the church as a supporter of the systematic oppression of women. Is this accusation correct? Unfortunately, there are well-documented failures of times when victims came to the church for help and were either ignored or given sickeningly poor counsel that placed families in further danger. So this is a serious issue with gospel implications. We must get to the heart of understanding conflict and domestic violence, empower families with the heart of Christ and Scriptural teaching on conflict, and equip our churches to be a safe harbor for victims and an ally of justice towards the abuser.
(a note regarding gender: We will discuss abusers in this paper using the language of a male abuser and a female victim. While certainly there are situations, especially psychological abuse, where a man is abused or berated by a woman, the majority of statistics clearly show that many cases of abuse reflect male on female violence. We can see how even physiologically men are stronger than women and have more of a natural capacity to defend themselves.)
Love
Loving Couples in Conflict
When a couple is in conflict and seeks guidance from a pastor or counselor it can be easy to view their case as difficult and unwanted. Often the situation is heated and has already taken place over a prolonged period of time before you are aware of it. As a result, a mixed web of emotions has caused the couple to be further enmeshed. Each new day of conflict brings with it a lengthening record of wrongs. However, there are still many biblical motivations for a counselor to love the couple that is set before them:
They are made in God’s image: each of these individuals has been created to know and glorify God. They are marred in the perfect functioning of this by their own sin, but with the Holy Spirit’s help they can image Him better as they resolve this conflict.
Marriage is to be held in honor by all (Hebrews 13:4): Certainly the church is to do all it can to esteem marriage, including rolling up our sleeves when a marriage in the body of Christ is struggling.
The devil is trying to destroy them: The devil hates marriage with a special fury because it is a) the foremost picture of the relationship between Christ and His church (Eph 5:32), b) the fertile soil of God’s covenant promises, and c) the husband-wife relationship is the basic building block of society. So this is an arena where the devil can and does do much damage.
A sweet marriage is a powerful witness: Couples in the midst of conflict can seem anything but sweet, however as counselors we can take courage in knowing that by loving and serving this couple, we can be used by the Spirit to restore them to a condition where the world sees the Gospel much more clearly.
Loving the Victim
There are times when conflict goes too far, and it is during these heart-wrenching times when a spouse becomes the victim of the other through domestic violence. Of the three characters (couples, abuser, victim) it may naturally be easy to feel compassion for the victim. Let us stir up that compassion even further by realizing the following:
Many women receive medical care because of abuse - 30% of women seeking emergency care for injuries have been battered by their partners.2
Cultural anthropology has betrayed victims - Sigmund Freud believed that masochism, passivity, and femininity were essential characteristics of women. His theory was that women in a sense enjoyed being suppressed. The scars of this ideology upon society are still with us today.3
The church is not immune from abuse - In 1992 the CRCNA reported that 28% of surveyed members experienced abuse.4
At times the church has failed victims - According to the Alsdurfs, “the church has at times contributed to the mistreatment of women through complacency, insensitivity, and imbalanced teaching on gender roles”5. In other words, there have been many times a victim went to pastoral staff regarding ongoing abuse and were told to “submit better” and it would improve, rather than being shielded from the abuse. The Alsdurfs also state that the role of a pastor is critical - either to encourage the victim to step forward or as an unfortunate cause of despair.6
Victims have been preyed upon - This seems semantically obvious. The word “victim” suggests someone who has fallen prey in some sense. However, as we meditate on this we realize that someone has, often for a prolonged period of time, subjected this person to disadvantage and held them down. Abusers can often be quite charming, and so this person may have simply not seen it coming.7
Victims are disadvantaged in many ways - Unlike other counseling scenarios, victims of domestic violence are seriously hampered in their ability to change the situation. Often a wife has no other means of economic support than her abuser, job skills which are out of date or lacking, and a strong sense of obligation to provide for the family in the absence of the abuser. The only thing preventing the weight of the world from falling directly on their shoulders is the economic support by the abuser. Thus they are in a profound trap and fear the loss of the abuser.8
Victims hope for change in the abuser* - The eternal flame of hope lives on that the abuser can change, sometimes this sentiment has been referred to as “pathetically eager”9 While we may look down on this hope as naive, it challenges us at the same time. Do we have as much hope for the counseling process as they do?
Loving the Abuser
Lastly, we have the abuser. How could we ever love them? Could a counselor ever show compassion to one who has gotten away with such violence towards another member of the human race? Let us consider the following points:
The abuser has grown up in a violent culture - The “Average child views ’8,000 murders and 100,000 acts of violence on television before finishing elementary school”10
He is a human being trapped in sin - Bancroft reminds us that we need to still see the humanity of the abuser.11 He too is trapped in sin and although sometimes knowingly manipulative, is at other times sincere. Perhaps the biggest key to understanding the manipulator is to realize that although his behavior is deliberate, that his underlying values may be held unconsciously.12
Although the abuser has committed violence, he is both a perpetrator of sin and a victim of mankind’s fall. He is responsible for and trapped in sin at the same time. This Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde syndrome is a reality in their life that will probably only change with the outside help of those willing to confront with the Holy Spirit and the Word. Maybe we don’t have to have an excess of compassion for the abuser, but we should love them enough to want them to change.
Know
Welcome to the arena. In this section we will uncover the Causes, Catalysts, and Characters of spousal conflict. Our aim is have a deep knowledge of each of these dimensions of confrontation, in order that as counselors we can be armed with accurate perception and the ability to guide couples.
Causes
The causes of arguments are not an unknown thing. James 4:1 gives us the answer that it is when we do not get what we desire.13 Our desires may be sinful, or they may in fact be good desires but we pursue them sinfully. Conflict is caused because we so easily focus on what we do not have. As Brad Hambrick puts it, “Our unmet desires bark louder than our fulfilled desires cheer”14
He also reminds us that conflict is inevitable, but there is encouragement that it can actually be a very strengthening thing for a marriage.15 This is because God often uses conflict as iron sharpens iron. We are exposed to the coveting nature and faults of the other person and they are exposed to us. It is thus a raw area for sanctification. Conflict is really nothing other than basic discipleship being put under a stress test. We shouldn’t treat marital conflict as something magical or different than the basic stuff of being a Christian disciple.16
The root cause of conflict is thus Pride. The other vices that show up in the midst of the battle, such as envy, deception, coveting, and anger are all really the branches that connect to the trunk of pride. After all, we covet because we think we are important, we lie to benefit ourselves, and we use deception so we can get what we want. It is all the me, me, me of Pride that causes these behaviors.
What are the signs of couples in conflict? Couples who are in the midst of conflict or who spar frequently will show signs of it, even during a home visit by the elders or in the counselor’s office. It may be possible to hide some signs of it, but there will likely still be indications. The tension of our bodies, our posture, and voice tone are impossible to hide completely what we are truly thinking and feeling.
Brad Hambrick says that couples who are in conflict will communicate with dishonor. This includes: raising the voice, condescending tones, unanswerable rhetorical questions, silent treatment, mentioning past offenses, name calling, changing subjects, exaggerating, shaming, and creating emotional distance.17 A counselor should also look long-term for: radical changes in mannerisms or appearance, indifference to spouses affection, unrelated schedules, nagging, irritation etc.18
Biblical counselor Jay Adams also notes that we can attribute marital conflict to be caused by errors of understanding or of practice.19 Some people do not really know the Scriptural view of marriage and it causes them to run into repeated conflict that would be unnecessary because they don’t hold a right view of marriage. In the words of Adams, “It is senseless and fruitless to presuppose that counselees grasp the biblical view of marriage”20 Others err in their practice of marriage, perhaps lacking a nuanced view of their roles and responsibilities. Adams is also quick to point out that marriage revolves around the two Cs of Covenant and Companionship.21. Marriage was created for the purpose of companionship for man and woman, and was also meant to be a lifelong unbreakable bond (Gen 2:18, Matt 19:4-5).
Catalysts
Once a fight gets started there are many factors which can cause it to quickly become unbearable and lead to long-term problems. Again we stress that the presence of conflict itself is only an indication of the sin nature of human beings and can be used to either strengthen or injure the couple. So it is not conflict itself that is necessarily bad, but the following catalysts can turn it into something damaging.
Keeping a record of wrongs - 1 Cor 13:5 states that love keeps no record of wrongs. When one party has a mental scorecard of previous arguments it is tempting to bring this to bear on a current situation and this can quickly cause escalation.
Taking personal offense - A fight between couples should focus on the issue at heart and not become overly personal. If this does happen it is easy for additional ammunition and reinforcements to be called in by the party that feels wounded.
There are also long-term catalysts that can cause fights to grow. This can be viewed as things which serve to create an actively hostile environment, or things which detract from a peaceful environment. There are times when simply the lack of biblical and nourishing things serve to create an unhealthy environment for couples. It is important that a counselor takes a holistic look at the lifestyle of the couple. Sometimes the things which are truly causing ongoing conflict occur in the background.
Lack of church fellowship - It may be that the couple is not active in their church. We are not lone rangers as Christians and need the accountability and support of the local church. There are innumerable reasons why this is important. Perhaps the chiefest is that it places the couple under the means of grace. There is simply no substitute for hearing biblical preaching, participating in the sacraments, and exposing oneself to the oversight of good eldership. It is in this environment that a couple’s relationship flourishes, and they are convicted and grow by the Spirit.
Imbalanced life - Couples can get into routines and ruts which are selfish and destructive. One or both parties may be giving more time and attention to children, friends, coworkers etc then to their spouse. They may have an unhealthy lifestyle such as lack of sleep, poor diet, and lack of exercise. These things cannot go on for long before the cracks begin to show in a couple’s relationship.
Harmful influences - There could be harmful relationship with a friend, coworker, in-law that is causing unnecessary stress in the marriage.22
External Stressors - There could be parenting concerns, money issues, negative job situation, or other outside pressure that causes someone in the relationship to feel added stress.23
Lack of wisdom - It may be that a life situation calls for a change that the couple has not made yet. Perhaps a pregnancy is causing more stress on the wife than the husband understands, or the husband must put in overtime at work for a special request. In these times, wisdom and understanding is needed by both parties.
Lack of love and support - It is a tragic reality that the atmosphere between a couple can be cold and harsh. This becomes fertile soil for contempt, bitterness, and sharp tempers. If the couple is not working to actively maintain a loving relationship, then it will tend to atrophy and become a sure catalyst for conflict.
Characters
Know the Couples
We now turn to examine the characters which are involved in conflict. However, this beginning section on couples will be brief because the previous discussion on causes and catalysts covers them well.
In familiarizing ourselves with couples in conflict, we need to examine what each person’s views regarding marriage are. There are those who believe that marriage represents a marginal difference to their lifestyle, and thus are surprised when the demands of marriage represent more than they originally counted on.24 We also need to be aware of the tendency of individuals to ignore or exaggerate their problems in marriage.25 Perhaps one party thinks that there are issues, while the other party sees things as generally fine.
We should seek to know the couple’s history, how they relate to one another, what their home environment is like, and what outside influences come to bear on their relationship. These four things will give us a holistic view of their relationship and allow us as counselors to chart a course for a way out of their conflicts. But before we can show them a way out, we must first enter in. Until we do this, their fighting may seem like dogs and cats to us, and it is only with this awareness of context that we can make sense of the why behind their fighting.
During the counseling process we should also see to understand if the relationship can be categorized as dysfunctional or unhealthy. Leslie Vernick gives us 5 destructive relationship patterns:26
Abusive - This is a relationship in which one or both parties commit physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal abuse. Upon discovery it will probably be grounds for us to push for law enforcement intervention. It may also indicate that counseling for this relationship is outside our purview and need referral.
Overbearing - A relationship in which party dominates and controls the other party through speech, body language, and action. They will need to be exhorted that marriage is not a license to impose our desires upon the other person.
Needy - In this relationship, one person is overdependent on other to affirm their value and worth as a person. They will need to understand that their worth comes from Christ alone, and not from their spouse.
Deceptive - A relationship in which someone demonstrates pattern of deception, lying, covering up, and distorting the truth. They will need to be convicted of breaking the 9th commandment and exhorted to walk in the light.
Neglectful - One person may exhibit chronic indifference or neglect of the other. They care not for their wellbeing. They must be exhorted to fulfill the vows that they made to care for an honor the other person. Vows which they have broken.
Know the Victim
Working through the list of dysfunctional relationships above may lead us to the conclusion that a relationship is abusive in some way. According to Muriel Canfield, “Experts define wife abuse ‘an assault on a woman’s mind or body, meant to make her comply with her husband’s will’ This could take place in the form of physical, sexual, verbal, or psychological abuse. It often involves isolation or control over assets, such as a car, or bank account.27
The definition above gives us some guidance, but it is important that we define abuse according to Scripture in order that we may both help the victims and hold perpetrators accountable. It is only the Word that contains the promises and threats of God, and can be used to confront the abuser and defend the victim.
We know from Scripture that the heart of God is such that He cares for those who are disadvantaged, downcast, and abused. In fact, Christ announced that He came for the purpose of redeeming such people when He read from the scroll of Isaiah at the beginning of His ministry (Luke 4:16-21). We also know that God made men in His own image with dignity (Gen 1:27), desires that all we do be done in love (1 Cor 16:14), that the Lord hates the man who loves violence (Ps 11:5), condemns verbal abuse (Ps 11:5, Matt 5:21-22), opposes the man who is faithless towards his wife (Mal 2:13-16), promises to avenge (Rom 12:19), and offers Himself as a refuge for the oppressed (Ps 9:9).
Taking all that into account, we can craft a definition of abuse that covers all human relationships. We can define abuse as any attempt to forcibly compel an image-bearer of God to comply with the abusers will, save the particular situation is expressly defined otherwise in Scripture, and in such rare circumstances, must still be done in love towards that image bearer and unto God’s glory, knowing that God condemns the violent and avenges the oppressed. A few things should be noted about this definition. The phrase any attempt is purposely broad to cover not only physical but also verbal, psychological, or emotional abuse. The phrase forcibly compel is chosen in order to account for the manner in which this abuse is performed. It is not optional, or winsome - but rather cruel and forceful. The phrase “rare circumstances” is meant to point to the rarity of a situation in which the use of force is warranted in Scripture, and in these situations to define that this must be in accordance with the heart of God. Two situations are in view: firstly that children receive due corporal punishment (Prov 13:24), and that those in civil authority are able to punish wrongdoers. The rest of the definition reminds us that the reason underlying all of this is the expectations and heart of God, who sees and judges all human behavior and is meant to add further bite to the definition lest someone who is an abuser attempt to twist the exception clause to his own ends. Due to the nature of abuse, any exceptions in a definition should be made very carefully.
What is a typical abuse scenario at home? How is it contrasted with a normal fight?
According to this definition, a counselor should seek to understand if the counselee is subjected to behavior which we can clearly identify as abusive, seeking to establish the connection that a pattern of behavior by a spouse has victimized them. Unless physical violence is clearly present, then we may have to look for several signs in order to establish a pattern. One instance of bad words here, or a bad day there doesn’t necessarily constitute an abusive relationship. It is helpful here to think of relationships as being on a continuum between healthy, unhealthy, and abusive. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has a helpful chart which helps us to answer “Where is the counselee’s relationship on this continuum?”28
The following questions could be posed when alone with the counselee:29
Has your partner ever…
pushed, slapped, choked, or hit you?
intimidated you with weapons?
pressured you to have sex or to use drugs/alcohol?
verbally demeaned you in private or in front of loved ones?
withheld your access to family finances, even when needed?
prevented you from making your own decisions?
limited or forbidden communication with friends and family members?
prevented you from going to church?
So what does a typical home abuse scenario look like? It is well documented that the victim will go through a cycle of abuse consisting of three stages:3031
Stage 1 Tension Building - This is where most of the torment occurs because it is when the abuser is applying coercion, threats, and intimidation. He makes it known that he expects certain things and there will be consequences for breaking them. Or it could be the period of time between when something has happened that the abuser will not like and the abuser comes home, like a heightened version of a child waiting for the inevitable punishment of their parents. The abuser may even do things such as punching a wall and saying “This could be you”. This mounting fear can become so unbearable that victims sometimes trigger the next stage of violence just to get the tension over with.32
Stage 2 Acts of Violence - This is the stage at which actual physical violence occurs, and can consist of slapping, punching, throwing objects, cursing and many other forms of physical and verbal harassment. The violence reaches a crescendo but after it is over many victims feel at least some relief that the incident is ended, but are still left to pick up the pieces.
Stage 3 The Honeymoon - During this stage the abuser may attempt to return to the victim and profusely apologize, even bearing gifts. The apologies may be sincere (or at least sound like it). However, they also may consist of “blaming apologies” in which the abuser says “I’m sorry but if you hadn’t…I wouldn’t have done that”. Thus there is a subtle manipulation even in this attempt to reconcile. Because the victim desires genuine reconciliation in the relationship and hungry for even crumbs of love, they often accept these apologies and hope that the cycle of abuse will end. However, the abusers sin and the victims tolerance will practically guarantee that the tension will begin again and the cycle will repeat itself.
What personalities are prone to be victimized?
Someone with a high desire for love and approval, perhaps coupled with a dependent personality.33
Someone who grew up with little sense of what an appropriate male/female relationship looks like. May have been abused as child.34
Someone who is “love addicted” and often falls headlong into a relationship without valuing the input of friends and family. They reduce activities with friends, family, church in order to devote complete time and attention to their new partners.35
Why does someone stay in an abusive relationship One question that is often asked is why someone who is otherwise a free individual would remain in a destructive relationship in which they were treated so poorly. Muriel Canfield explains several reasons why someone chooses to remain, despite overwhelming hardships and the potential threats to their life:36
Love addiction - Their worst fear is not violence, but rather separation from their partner. They stay because to leave would mean an exit out of the relationship.
Hooked to the Cycle - Akin to an adrenaline junkie, the cycle of violence keeps them hooked in suspense. There is a certain masochistic excitement triggered by an up and down relationship.
Under threat - Some abusers threaten violent repercussions if the victim were to ever leave the relationship. “I’ll kill you” or “I’ll kill your family”.
Diminished capacity - Often the repeated abuse has left them worn out and exhausted. Thus their capacity is lowered to make independent decisions, not to mention plan an exit. The abuser may have repeatedly demeaned their abilities to think and survive in the real world, and they may have bought into these lies. The abuser may have physically attacked them to the point where their body is disabled.
Financial dependence - The abuser may be the sole breadwinner in the family. To leave them means to leave the only means of income available to them.
Marriage preservation - They may have an incomplete understanding of biblical marriage, often thinking that they are supposed to stay with their spouse at all costs, suffering whatever abuse may come. Evangelical pastors may have even encouraged them to do this when they sought help.
Feel abuse is deserved - The abuser may have been successful in rhetoric that the abuse is due to a failure on the part of the victim. “Maybe that pot roast really was overdone”, “He said I should be home by 8pm and I was home at 8:15”, “I knew he didn’t want me to buy whole wheat bread at the grocery”.
Desire to preserve his reputation - Because they are in a relationship there is the potential that the victim knows that coming out with the abuse would mean the “good name” of the abuser is tarnished in the eyes of the community. The truth would have repercussions.
Hopes to change him - The victim may feel that in time the abuser will learn to change his ways. He will learn to control his anger. He’ll start to turn into the loving husband he kept swearing that he would become.
Belief that children need a father - The victim might desire that for the children’s sake they endure the abuse. The abuser may at times be charming and endearing towards their children, winning the support of the victim.
Canfield’s reasons help us to see that the environment of domestic abuse is more complicated and nuanced than we might imagine at first glance. From the outside it is easy to pronounce judgment and attempt to rush forward with solutions. And when it comes to abuse, there are clear matters of justice that need to be raised. However, we can begin to see that the life of a domestic abuse victim is frought with many challenges. And their reluctance to part with the abuser can at times be understandable. How will she feed the kids all alone? Will my abuser retaliate? What if I just waited a little longer for him to change? What if I miss him after he goes to jail? After all, if this abuse occurs in the context of a marriage relationship then the couple has a history together that the victim is reluctant to disrupt by reporting the abuse.
Know the Abuser
We arrive at the last character of conflict - the abuser. The evils of abuse can make it tempting for us to have no time or interest in understanding this character better. We may want nothing more than to throw him in jail ourselves. However, a counselor may be placed into situations where he can be used by the Holy Spirit to affect change in even someone so vial. Ananias must have felt many mixed feelings about receiving Saul of Tarsus into his home, but the Lord used it for tremendous good in the church. An indeed we trust in a God who can do far more than we can think or imagine.
The Motivation Perhaps the first question we must ask is what the agenda of the abuser is? What is the underlying motivation behind their sin? The answer is that they are on a quest for power. According to pastor Chris Moles, “Intimate partner violence is at its core an attempt to dominate or control by whatever means necessary”37 In fact, some even believe that they have a right to hurt their partner if their partner fails them - the result of a twisted conception of gender roles.38. The Alsdurfs inform us that some abusers even cease to view their actions as abusive, but believe it is their responsibility to keep their spouses submissive.39 They may view men as dominant and women as submissive in either their own relationship, or all male-female relationships in society. Thus they justify their quest for power by believing that it is the order of the universe and the “way things ought to be”. Consequently, they fear power being stripped away from them, or being viewed as humiliated and small. Their worst nightmare would likely be a situation in which they were completely powerless.
The Methods Abusers are at some level aware of and utilize various tools in their toolbox to maintain power. There are social (pressure using friends and family), psychological (gaslighting etc), verbal (demeaning remarks, demands, charm), and physical (intimidation, assault) ways in which an abuser will try to keep their will supreme in a relationship.40 One of the techniques mentioned above is “gaslighting”, in which the abuser repaints reality in a favorable light for himself, often causing the victim to question their own recollection of events and their sanity. Abusers often will use “denial, minimization, and distortion”41 One may think that these attempts would fall on deaf ears and be unsuccessful. Could it really be so easy for someone to always forfeit their will to someone else’s? However, oftentimes abusers can have a dual personality. He can be charming and manipulative to get what he wants, and hostile or indignant when he doesn’t.42 Sometimes this is referred to as being Jekyll and Hyde.43 This can get so complicated that someone who is really an abuser will masquerade as the victim, claiming that the other party is causing them to do things that they otherwise would not do. This tragically leaves the real victim in a confused daze, wondering which was is up and which way is down. Their home environment is turned into a web of lying, deceit, and manipulation. The ends justify the means in the quest to ensure that the abuser stays on top and calling all the shots in the relationship. It is the ultimate form of unloving and faithless behavior and leaves scarce an opportunity for the abuser to demonstrate real, selfless, loving care for their significant other.
Chris Moles identifies nine tactics that he has seen in the work of applying pastoral counseling to those who abuse:44
Physical Force - Men have naturally stronger bodies than women and can use this advantage to force them to comply with demands.
Intimidation - Related to the reason above, men have the physical abilities to follow through with creating an environment of oppression.
Ridicule - Belittling and demeaning the wishes, dreams, aspirations, ideas, gifts, and contributions of their partner or being quick to pounce on inabilities and disabilities.
Isolation - Ensuring that there are no others in the social sphere of the victim that can speak in to their life.
Denial and Blame - Lying about their past abuse or creating a narrative that abuse was really the fault of the victim.
Using children - Attempting to ally children with the cause of the abuser, even bringing them in to the abuse by allowing/making them demean the victim.
Male privilege - Belief that their spouse exists to serve them in a way similar to a slave.
Economics - Giving or withholding family finances in support of their own ends.
Coercion and threats - Stating negative consequences if the abuser’s will is violated in a situation. Can at times be the worst form of abuse because it creates an ominous environment filled with doom.
What are the traits of an abusive personality? Muriel Canfield has compiled a checklist of indications that someone is an abusive personality, including:45
Remarks showing a contempt for women
Questions time spent away from him
Enraged when his advice is not heeded
Extremely critical of partner
Trail of unsuccessful relationships behind him
Attempts to control the actions, relationships, and thoughts of others
Twists Scripture for his own purposes
Pastor Christ Moles also believes it is helpful to contrast a man’s behavior with that of biblical humility. Pride and an exaggerated conception of self are part and parcel of a domestic abusers psyche.46 So if we compare manifestations of pride over against that of humility, we can more easily spot behaviors that are abusive. Moles identifies manifestations of pride as: anger, thinking oneself better than others, perfectionism, obsession with what others think, harsh responses to criticism, sarcasm, blame-shifting, jealousy, attention-grabbing, and minimizing shortcomings.47 Conversely, humility brings forth prayerfulness, focus on Christ, gentleness, listening to others, teachableness, seeking to edify others, responsive to criticism, lifestyle of repentance, genuinely happy for others, and honesty about areas for growth.48
The abuser contrasted with a loving husband It should be apparent at this point that an abuser is capable of masquerading only a skin-deep resemblance to that of a true and loving husband. Whereas the abuser uses methods of intimidation and control to get his prideful way, a husband who strives to be a man of God will seek to shepherd and rule his family in a loving way and strive to do this in a way that honors and imitates Christ. A loving husband will exercise headship in a way that is open and honest, using no guile or deceit. He realizes that he serves in Christ’s kingdom and not his own little kingdom. He sees Christ’s example of servant leadership in washing the disciple’s feet as a model to follow as he empowers his family. He views his wife not as a slave but as a partner and fellow worker in Christ, realizing that she is a fully capable adult who has submitted herself voluntarily to his leadership. He strives to maintain her trust of him. He understands that love is not manipulative, but rather is defined by the terms of 1 Corinthians 13. He takes his goals of leadership not from hyper-masculine magazines but from the qualifications in the Pastoral Epistles. Ultimately, he seeks not to please himself, or even his wife, but rather Christ who redeemed him and sustains him.
Speak
Speaking to the Couples
There are many ways that we can speak to couples in conflict. Our goal should not only be that they would reconcile with each other, but that they would be equipped to see their own faults and walk in humility before God. We want to reframe the perception of their spouse as an enemy and arguments as battles to be won into the biblical notion that they are one with their spouse and arguments are a means by which God shaves off sin and forms them into the image of Christ.
We want to get a historical and comprehensive look at their lives both as a couple and as individuals. Here are a few methods by various counselors that can shed light on the couple’s relationship:
Ask “has your marriage grown, declined or plateaued in last 6 months? any matters you have not discussed with your spouse?”49
Have them fill out a trust questionnaire.50
Ask them to write out everything that could be troubling their marriage.51
Have them list ways they might have sinned against their spouse.52
Lead them through James 4 so they can see the true cause of their conflict is when they pursue an idol instead of trusting God.
These diagnostics should serve as catalysts for discussion about their marriage. It is likely this process will reveal some idols in the heart of each spouse and with the help of the Holy Spirit it will reveal much cause for humility in both people. As we speak to the couple, we want them both to have a humble and teachable attitude.
In speaking to them, we next want to teach them what to expect of marriage. Paul Tripp believes that couples need to be reminded of three things: they are married in a fallen world, they are a sinner married to another sinner, but also that God is faithful, powerful, and willing.53 They need to be reminded that marriage difficulties are normal in this world that has so been tainted and marred by sin. They should expect it. However, they are not alone in this process, but God is with them. He will empower them to keep their vows to each other and in fact have a relationship that flourishes. Conflict is part of the growing process in marriage.54 So they should not be expecting perfection in their relationship, but rather they should instead be striving to please Christ. It cannot be overstated how important this is
- to reframe marriage as something more than a nice life or personal enrichment, but rather they are to serve one another in love.
This leads us into the next thing we want to speak to them about, which is teaching biblical marriage. Even if the couple has been to church for many years, the fact that their difficulties have landed them in the counselor’s office means that they are not understanding and living out of the biblical pattern for marriage. So if they’ve “heard it all before”, then we still need to explain the basics of marriage. For this instruction, there is no better place than Ephesians 5. We will now turn to this text and address wives and husbands in order. It may be helpful as a counselor to meet with them individually to discuss this so that it is not a cause for dissension.
We must speak to the wife so that she understands biblical submission from Ephesians 5:22-24. The “as unto the Lord” phrase in the passage informs her that unless her husband is asking her to sin, that it is good and right to obey him. Gouge reminds us that her submission to her husband is necessary and voluntary.55 Unfortunately, the feminist influence in our culture has done much to undermine this basic principle, or to quickly point out times when a wife has been manipulated or abused. But these evils do not take away from the plain teaching of Scripture. The exceptions do not disprove the rule. As counselors we will deal with abuse in a different manner, but for a wife who is simply part of a normal marriage with conflict, she has no excuse. We also learn from the passage that the ground and basis for this is that the relationship between a wife and her husband is akin to that of the church and Christ. Christ is the head of the church just like husbands are given to be the head of their wives. A wife’s primary calling is to her husband before anyone else (including church, children, friends).56 In speaking with her we should seek to ascertain ways in which she may be emasculating her husband through comparing him to others, withholding sex, disregarding him, being pushy, verbally demeaning, viewing him as low, ignoring him, competitiveness, being unwilling to listen, living a separate life etc.57 She may believe it is her duty to train or change him and that it is “for his good” but Ephesians 5 clearly does not support this. We need to speak tenderly, firmly, and truthfully to show her that this behavior does not make her a helper but a hindrance. God has ordained for there to be one head in the marriage. Just like a body cannot have two heads, or a company cannot have two CEOs - so there cannot be two chiefs in the marriage relationship. Ephesians 5 clearly is teaching this and we need to speak to her on that basis. Hopefully she is able to name a few ways in which she has been an unsupportive rival to her husband instead of respecting and caring for him. At the heart of these behaviors lies what Kim Wagner calls the “deadly three” of Ingratitude, Pride, and Fear.58 With the help of the Word and Spirit, we should lead her in confessing of and repenting of these actions and attitudes. She needs to have in focus that she has primarily sinned against God by transgressing His command to honor her husband. It is the Lord with whom she has to deal more than anyone else. We should speak to her about ways in which she can show appreciation for her husband through encouraging him, praying for him, and admiring him.59 It would be beneficial for her to ask her husband about ways in which she can respect him more. This way we avoid stock answers but actually deal with the nuances of their particular relationship. We should end with speaking to her about the privilege that she has in supporting and influencing her husband in a positive way. Her tongue and her prayers can be a powerful force for good towards the heart of her husband. In all this counsel we have assumed she is not a part of an abusive relationship in which her “failed submission” is really just an accusation leveled by her abuser. That situation should be dealt with in a different manner, some of which is addressed further in this paper.
Ephesians 5:25-31 now turns to instruct the man. We are also supplemented by the instruction in 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1. We should take the husband through these passages and show him the high and solemn calling that he has as a husband. He should understand that the pattern of his leadership comes from the Lord and that to whom much is given, much is required. The very first injunction to husbands is a theme which runs straight through the rest of the passage - that is to Love his wife. Gouge aptly states that none of the duties of a husband can be performed without being sprinkled with love.60 The man should meditate on this. Love should be something that seasons every thought, every act, and every word towards his wife. To do something correct, but without love, would be to fail in his task as a husband. In fact, Gouge goes on to say that an absence of love in the home could be a cause for a woman provoking her husband, and that hatred of one’s wife causes much discord.61. We should ask him to consider ways in which he has either actively hated his wife, or passively been neglectful of showing her love. Scripture tells him here that his primary mission as a husband is not to rule his household with an iron fist, but instead that selfless service and nourishment should be the mark of his leadership. Christ’s love for the church is the comparison made in Ephesians 5. He is to love her, cherish her, and wash her with the Word. Verse 29 shows us that a man is to love her in such a way that he cares for her welfare even as much as his own.62 This means that he is not to be concerned with making sure she is complying with him, but rather that he is loving for her. He should love her even if she treats him wrongly.63 Is this possible? Yes, through confessing his own sin, doing good, and praying for her.64 While both spouses have the obligation to worry about their own role, husbands have a greater obligation as the head of the relationship to act in a Christlike manner, even if the wife is not. This is because the mantle of leadership rests on him and he is commanded to love his wife as Christ loves the church. His responsibility to obey the Lord and love his wife is unconditional. This may seem like a hard pill to swallow, especially in a home with much tension and disagreement. Baxter recommends trying it for awhile and seeing if it won’t work wonders to change the atmosphere of the home.65 John MacArthur explains that the husband’s love is to have four dimensions: sacrificial, purifying, caring, and unbreakable.66 He is to express this love practically through consideration, chivalry, and communion.67 In summary, the husband should see that it falls squarely to him to maintain and grow love in a marriage. We should close by speaking with him about the great honor that it is to lead the woman who is the wife of his youth and companion by covenant. He should be stirred up to love her as best as he can.
Both the husband and the wife should be taught that divorce is not an option except in the case of sexual unfaithfulness or desertion. We should affirm this early on in the counseling process and seek to obtain a verbal or written commitment that both parties will strive to do whatever it takes to reconcile. If divorce is off the table then the only true option is to work through their conflict. R.C Spoul notes that this causes many couples to find a new motivation to reconcile.68 They should see a certain absurdity in fighting with their own marriage partner.69 It is akin to two oxen both pulling a cart but grunting and fighting with one another - they are on the same mission together! They should seek to live out the heart of marriage, which is a faithfulness that is connected to a faithful God.70 The work of redeeming a marriage trapped in difficulty may be a long and difficult process, but we can show them how often in Scripture God has been faithful to a stubborn and difficult people.
We should then speak to them about how they should address conflict in their marriage. If marriage is for life, and conflict is inevitable, then that means we must learn how to handle conflict in a way that is honoring and edifying.
When should they confront a spouse? Only after prayer, self-examination, and if it is a clear sin issue. Otherwise they should do their best to overlook the faults of a spouse. If something is not sinful, then they should attempt to bear with them. This “bearing with” is part of the description of love in 1 Cor 13. There should be compassion in this as sometimes a spouse is not strong enough, not in a good season, or not gifted in the area that the spouse is hoping they will change in. Our responsibility is not to mold our spouse into our image, but rather to help them to conform themselves to the image of Christ.
What should their mindset be in conflict?
The Goal should be God’s glory, not sinful pride or selfish desires71
The issue should be a sin-issue
They should put on love and have a gracious temperament72
The marriage covenant should be in the background
They should be aware of self-hypocrisy (Luke 6:37-42)
How can a conflict reach a resolution? A marital conflict will reach a resolution when the sin issue at heart is discussed with honesty, love and truth and when one or both parties repent to God, apologize to each other, and make efforts to change. Leslie Vernick speaks of a fourfold process of seeing our sin (James 3:2, John 9:35-41), asking for forgiveness, taking responsibility (Matt 7:3), and making strides to change. The other person should respond in forgiveness and with grace, knowing that they themselves are not free from sin and that Christ has forgiven them so they also must forgive.
What if a resolution is not reached? If a couple cannot resolve a conflict between themselves, it is not a reason to panic. In His great grace, Christ has not left us without instruction in this area. Matthew 18:15-20 guides us in how to resolve interpersonal conflicts when there is gridlock. We may think of this as the “church discipline” passage, but it can also be applied to problems with couples.75 The couple is to bring a trusted fellow believer in to help them to resolve the conflict. This offers a protection to the wife whose husband is not treating her appropriately and to the husband whose wife is disrespecting him. By following Matt 18 they are allowing others to be used by God to speak into their relationship, resolve conflict, and restore their witness as a couple. It is truly a beautiful and inexpressible gift that God has given in this passage. Without it, we would be left without a comprehensive way to resolve conflict in marriage.
Speaking to the Victim
It is a heart-wrenching thing to realize a member of our congregation is the victim of abusive behavior. We must cherish the opportunity to speak to them in this condition, knowing that God’s heart is one of mercy and justice. With the Spirit’s help, we must seek to encourage this weary soul to take comfort in Christ and to appeal for assistance to their church and the civil authorities.
We should first seek to establish and understand the nature and extent of their abuse. This will be a process of discovery for them and us. There are freely available “victim inventories” from many places, including Chris Moles and Leslie Vernick.7677 This person may have no physical scars, but still have incurred tremendous emotional or spiritual abuse. We should ask questions such as: what is it like at home? are you ever afraid of your husband? does your husband call you names? does your husband punish or demean you? These questions should be put thoughtfully and carefully to the victim. We want the truth to prevail so that healing can be given. It may be very hard for them and you to look at the cold reality of the situation, but there is much hope in Christ.
The second thing we should talk with them about is their understanding of marriage. Many victims believe that the Bible condones them staying in an abusive situation at all costs, stating “divorce is not an option.”78 However, they need to see that their situation is something that grieves God. While God hates divorce, he also hates the man who does violence to his wife - it’s in the same verse (Mal 2:16)79. We need to correct their understanding of what biblical marriage looks like. They do not have to remain in physical proximity to someone who beats, tortures, demeans, and disregards them. God does not approve of what their husband is doing, and they are not required to silently endure such inhumane treatment.
We must also speak to them about their identity in Christ. We should ascertain whether or not they are a Christian, using the marks in 1 John of love of God, His Word, and His people. If they are not a believer then they need Christ desperately, even more than to escape an abusive situation. If they have Christ they need to know who they are in Him. In Jesus they are a new creation, they are redeemed from spiritual slavery and adopted into the family of God. Their heavenly Father loves them and desires what is good for them. It is not good to be in this situation, and He uses His church to help His children. God’s heart for them is one of love and compassion. We should go over Psalm 23 and other passages that speak of God’s care.
However, we must conclude by exhorting them to report their situation. Due to the factors we discussed earlier, many domestic abuse victims do not leave their abusers. They may have much fear and trepidation over reporting him, but you must strongly appeal to them to report the abuse officially to the police. If the abuse involves children then in the state of Michigan (and many others) you yourself are required to report it as well. Tell them they are endangering their family by staying, and the abuse may eventually come to their children.80 Tell them the abuser will not stop until they are forced to deal with the consequences of their actions. Tell them you support them personally. They need to hear that a way out is being offered and that it is their obligation to ensure justice is done. At this point the most loving thing they can do for their spouse is to report them.
Speaking to the Abuser
Upon learning about abuse, we should also attempt to speak to the husband at an appropriate time. Some may wonder about retaliation and I encourage you to be wise in this area. However, it is not likely that the abuse will stop unless an abuser faces a “crisis scenario” with either law enforcement or church discipline. His abusive behavior has worked for him up until this point. The time needs to come when someone ceases to be manipulated by him and speaks the truth to him.
We should first seek to establish the ways in which they abuse and the heart behind it. There are freely available inventories you can adapt from Muriel Canfield and Chris Moles.8182 We want to have a mix of closed and open-ended questions to understand their situation. However, don’t give too long of a leash because they may use it to provide justifications for their behavior. It is better to ask “What?” or “How?” questions than “Why?” questions.83 It should be our goal to piece together the abusers account with that of the victim. Predictably, the abuser will leave out much. They will deal heavily in self-justification, distortion, and deceit.
As we learn of the abuse, our goal will be to show the abuser how they are 100% responsible for their own behavior.84 It may take some time to reach this goal, or at least where it is an honest statement and not one he says just to tell you what you want to hear. However, it is a milestone moment when an abuser takes complete responsibility for his own actions.85 Abusers tend to think that the Scriptural address for wives to submit to their husbands is a license for him to force submission, but in reality this verse is not addressed to husbands at all.8687 His excuses, blameshifting, rationalizations, and justifications should fall on your deaf ears as a counselor. You must keep beating the Scriptural drum that we are each accountable to God for our own actions.
This should lead us into a discussion about the character of God. We should reframe the discussion to focus not merely on his family, but on the Holy God whom he has offended by his sin.88 It would be helpful for us to look with him at Psalm 11:5, Prov 6:6-19, Matt 5:22, Col 3:19 and other passages which show that God hates violence. He needs to see that God stands in opposition to him and his behavior. He stands before a Holy God without excuse
Ideally, with the Holy Spirit’s necessary help, we will become genuinely repentant over his sin. We need to explore with him that he doesn’t have a surface level “anger problem” but rather an abusive heart. If we only address the problem of anger, his abusive heart will just surface with another type of abuse (emotional, psychological etc).89 He needs to see pride as the root of all his abusive behavior. We need to show him the connection between the root and the fruit in Luke 6 and the selfish motives of James 4. These passages are powerful to the heart of an abuser.90 Hopefully he will be lead to repent over both the actions and the heart of his sin. Psalm 32 and Psalm 51 serve as great models for this.
Lastly, we need to reframe for him what godly leadership looks like. If his abuse does not result in jail time or a restraining order, then he may still be in proximity to his family. In this case he needs to know what real headship looks like, and in particular his views need to be scaled back from what they were. However, it doesn’t mean he gives up headship altogether but rather finally comes to term with his responsibility to love his wife and children openly and honestly. With God’s help, we hope that he will in time be changed into the man God is calling all men to be. There is hope in Christ, even for the abuser.
Do
Direction to Couples
Keep them under the same roof (if no abuse is going on). It is foolish to separate normal couples in marital conflict.91
Commend to them the ordinary means of grace. Their relationship will change when they stop looking at their spouse’s issues, and instead focus on growing in Christ.
Advise them to pray together nightly.
Set a weekly routine of spending time alone with each other. Gouge says, “Husband and wife must take delight in the love, and company, and converse of each other”92
Have them set commitments/resolutions together. Paul Tripp has an excellent list of six commitments in marriage.93
Direction to Victims
Short-term Direction:
Express to the victim “I care. I believe you. I will be here for you”94
Urge them to contact the police and domestic violence agencies
Call 911 if injured or stalked by their partner
If needed, call the Domestic Violence Hotline 1 800 799 SAFE or the YWCA of West/Central Michigan 616 451 2744
Come up with a personal safety plan to have a long-term strategy for separation
Long-term Direction:
Encourage daily use in the means of grace
Stress to them the need of local church membership so eldership can care for them and exercise discipline on their abuser
Help them to have biblical contentment and trust in God’s sovereignty95
Have them read “The Healing Path” which has everything they need to know about Grand Rapids resources and the court system96
Direction to Abusers
Ensure that he participates in group counseling97
Set boundaries for him and expectations for improvement. Perhaps make a contract for expected changes in his behavior98
Set his sights on pleasing Christ, not just placating his wife99
Model and hold him to servant leadership100
If abuser claims to be Christian then hold him to a Christian standard of morality and headship101
Direction to Pastors
Work on your own marriage, it should be a model to all102
Manage counseling sessions well: don’t let people interrupt, assign reading from proverbs, apply God’s promises to specific situations, paint a hopeful vision based on Scripture, point out deceit, quote and apply Scripture, pray103
Exhibit empathy, a regard for women, and a concern for justice of the oppressed. Victims will look for this when deciding to come to you or not.104
Preach truthfully regarding marriage and boldly about abuse. Some believe complementarianism fuels abuse, but really this is false. However, some will use a false view to perpetrate abuse, so you much teach Scripture well in this area and address abuses from the pulpit.105
Look for signs of abuse during home visits:
Physical marks, bruises, burns
Emotions, mannerisms: evidence of fear? estrangement? rebelliousness? overly compliant?
Dialogue: demeaning, belittling remarks, negative self-talk
Signs of neglect: ratty clothes, mother not paying attention to her own children
Isolation: has the family been apart from the church community?
Be a strong male. Do not tolerate verbal abuse in your presence. Exhibit watchfulness for the disadvantaged.
If counseling a couple and there is a hint of abuse, begin counseling them seperately.
Pray from the pulpit for abuse to be exposed
Abusers only change if there is a crisis, you can create this crisis by initiating church discipline106
How to avoid divorce but oppose domestic violence? This is perhaps the trickiest question and gets to the heart of why the church is so often silent in domestic violence situations. We believe biblically that divorce is only valid in two cases: sexual unfaithfulness by the offender, or abandonment by a pagan spouse. Many point to this restriction as being unhelpful and responsible for allowing abuse in the church to go unchecked. It also raises a difficult practical question. If no sexual faithfulness has occurred, what actions are available to women who are being abused in their own home? Surely God’s requirement of biblical submission does not require them to subject themselves to systematic oppression. The good news is that there is a way to both preserve faithfulness to the Scriptural teaching of marriage while offering real hope and help to the oppressed. The solution lies in cooperating with the court system to bring about physical spousal separation while counseling and praying for resolution. Obviously, this should be done with awareness that abusers are deceptive and the fruits of repentance need to be shown.
An example of this case would be in chronological order as follows:
Wife reports the abuse to the pastor.
The pastor gathers facts and encourages the wife to obtain a restraining order. He then offers her and the children to stay at the home of an elderly couple in the congregation.
The pastor calls for a session meeting to initiate church discipline for the offender. For such a public offense there may be warrant in Scripture to skip Matt 18.
A period of separation now takes place while the offender faces legal consequences. The pastor separately counsels the wife and the offender or possibly refers the offender to an experienced biblical counselor. The offender may attend a separate church while his family continues to attend their home congregation.
Over this long-term period the offender is either restored (when he bears the fruit of repentance over an extended period) or in anger abandons his family.
If offender is reconciled to his church and family, the church continues to watch over them and the home is as public as possible. Small groups studies, frequent visitors, and elder visits ensure visibility to catch any repeated abuse.
If offender abandons his family he proves to be an unbeliever and his wife is released from the marriage covenant.
This explanation shows how faithfulness to the doctrines of Scripture and our traditional understanding of marriage as explained in the confessions, does not need to be relinquished. We can believe in headship and submission and avoid being trapped into tacitly endorsing abuse in our congregations. By coupling the church discipline process with biblical divorce we find that there is a way to ensure justice to the oppressed and freedom for victims. However, we need God’s Spirit for true reconciliation to take place.
Direction to the Church
Marriages in the church can serve as a strengthening agent in innumerable ways. Marriage should be held in utmost honor.
Churches can either be a fatal liability or a beacon of light to a victim. Church policy should be to oppose oppression and empower victims in congruence with the heart of God.
Wider church support is needed to assist victims. It can be a long and difficult process because victims are in need of a large amount of social, financial, and spiritual support.
Conclusion
We have sought to look at the issues of marriage conflict and spousal abuse from multiple lenses. In examining the characters, causes, and catalysts of conflict we have seen up close the effect that sin has on our relationships. Sin is deadly. Not only does it cause conflict, but it some cases it results in the ongoing and comprehensive oppression of another member of the human race. Sin makes us fall farther and faster than we ever thought possible, and it infects our hearts to the very core. We don’t just hurt our enemies, but we hurt the ones we love. But more than anything else, our sin is against a Holy and loving God. Abusers may break their marriage covenant, but we all have broken covenant with God. In examining these issues we are left with a horror for sin and a longing for the Savior. As counselors we are given the Word of truth to instruct and equip couples and families to lay down their pride and to put on love. However, all our questions and guidance will be meaningless if Christ is not in our hearts, a Bible is not in our hands, and the Spirit does not blow. May we pray in humility that the Holy Spirit will take away our pride and conflict and give us humility and peace.
Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen.
Hebrews 13:20-21
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1. . Brad Hambrick, *Romantic conflict: Embracing desires that bless ↩
not bruise*, The gospel for real life series (Phillipsburg, New
Jersey: P&R Publishing, 2014), 24.
2. . Muriel Canfield, *Broken and battered: A way out for the abused ↩
woman* (West Monroe, LA: Howard Pub. Co, 2000), 140.
3. . James Alsdurf and Phyllis Alsdurf, *Battered into submission: ↩
The tragedy of wife abuse in the Christian home* (Downers Grove,
Ill: InterVarsity Press, 1989), 72.
4. . Canfield, Broken and battered, xi. ↩
5. . Alsdurf and Alsdurf, Battered into submission, 10. ↩
6. . Alsdurf and Alsdurf, Battered into submission, 5. ↩
7. . Canfield, Broken and battered, 10. ↩
8. . Canfield, Broken and battered, 9. ↩
9. . Alsdurf and Alsdurf, Battered into submission, 76. ↩
10. . Canfield, Broken and battered, 22. ↩
11. . Lundy Bancroft, *Why does he do that?: Inside the minds of ↩
angry and controlling men*, Berkley trade pbk. ed. (New York:
Berkley Books, 2003), 112.
12. . Bancroft, Why does he do that?, 113. ↩
13. . Gary Ricucci and Betsy Ricucci, *Love that lasts: When marriage ↩
meets grace* (Wheaton, Ill: Crossway Books, 2006), 101.
14. . Hambrick, Romantic conflict, 7. ↩
15. . Hambrick, Romantic conflict, 25. ↩
16. . Hambrick, Romantic conflict, 9. ↩
17. . Hambrick, Romantic conflict, 17. ↩
18. . Jay E. Adams, *Solving marriage problems: Biblical solutions ↩
for Christian counselors*, The Jay Adams library (Grand Rapids, MI:
Ministry Resources Library, 1986), 93.
19. . Adams, Solving marriage problems, 16. ↩
20. . Adams, Solving marriage problems, 19. ↩
21. . Adams, Solving marriage problems, 20–23. ↩
22. . Adams, Solving marriage problems, 51–61. ↩
23. . Adams, Solving marriage problems, 51–61. ↩
24. . Adams, Solving marriage problems, 32. ↩
25. . R. C. Sproul, *The intimate marriage: A practical guide to ↩
building a great marriage*, R.C. Sproul (Phillipsburg, N.J: P&R Pub,
2003), 64–66.
26. . Leslie Vernick, The emotionally destructive relationship ↩
(Eugene, Or: Harvest House Publishers, 2007), 27–28.
27. . Canfield, Broken and battered, xiii. ↩
28. . Hotline, “The National Domestic Violence Hotline Relationship ↩
Spectrum,” 2017,
<http://www.thehotline.org/healthy-relationships/relationship-spectrum/>
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29. . Hotline, “The National Domestic Violence Hotline Abuse ↩
Defined,” 2017,
<http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/> (accessed
February 27, 2017).
30. . Canfield, Broken and battered, xiv. ↩
31. . Bancroft, Why does he do that?, 148–149. ↩
32. . Alsdurf and Alsdurf, Battered into submission, 38. ↩
33. . Canfield, Broken and battered, 21. ↩
34. . Canfield, Broken and battered, 20. ↩
35. . Canfield, Broken and battered, 11. ↩
36. . Canfield, Broken and battered, 41–49. ↩
37. . Chris Moles, *The heart of domestic abuse: Gospel solutions for ↩
men who use control and violence in the home* (Bemidji, Minnesota:
Focus Publishing, 2015), 37.
38. . Kent County, The Healing Path, 2016, 15, ↩
<http://www.stopkentviolence.org/healing_path/Healing_Path.pdf>
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39. . Alsdurf and Alsdurf, Battered into submission, 18. ↩
40. . Canfield, Broken and battered, 16–17. ↩
41. . Bancroft, Why does he do that?, xx. ↩
42. . Alsdurf and Alsdurf, Battered into submission, 44. ↩
43. . Bancroft, Why does he do that?, 8. ↩
44. . Moles, The heart of domestic abuse, 23–27. ↩
45. . Canfield, Broken and battered, 12–16. ↩
46. . Canfield, Broken and battered, 148. ↩
47. . Moles, The heart of domestic abuse, 50–54. ↩
48. . Moles, The heart of domestic abuse, 55–59. ↩
49. . Adams, Solving marriage problems, 96. ↩
50. . Paul David Tripp, *What did you expect?: Redeeming the ↩
realities of marriage* (Wheaton, Ill: Crossway Books, 2010), 137–138
has a sampel questionnaire.
51. . Adams, Solving marriage problems, 91. ↩
52. . Lou Priolo, *Picking up the pieces: Recovering from broken ↩
relationships* (Phillipsburg, N.J: P&R, 2012), 219–231 has a good
list to use.
53. . Tripp, What did you expect?, 21–25. ↩
54. . Tripp, What did you expect?, 52. ↩
55. . William Gouge, Of domestical duties, First edition. ↩
(Edinburgh, IN: Puritan Reprints, 2006), 17.
56. . Wayne A. Mack, Strengthening your marriage, 2nd ed. ↩
(Phillipsburg, N.J: P & R Pub, 1999), 21.
57. . Kimberly Wagner, Fierce women: The power of a soft warrior ↩
(Chicago: Moody Publishers, 2012), 68–69 contains a helpful chart of
emasculating behaviors.
58. . Wagner, Fierce women, 94. ↩
59. . Wagner, Fierce women, 199. ↩
60. . Gouge, Of domestical duties, 252. ↩
61. . Gouge, Of domestical duties, 252–253. ↩
62. . Mack, Strengthening your marriage, 39. ↩
63. . Christopher Ash, *Married for God: Making your marriage the ↩
best it can be* (Wheaton: Crossway, 2016), 86–87.
64. . Stuart Scott, The exemplary husband: A Biblical perspective, ↩
Revised ed. (Bemidji, MN: Focus Pub, 2002), 106.
65. . Richard Baxter, *The practical works of Richard Baxter: With a ↩
preface; giving some account of the author, and of this edition of
his practical works: An essay on his genius, works, and times; and a
portrait, in four volumes*, vol. 1 (Ligonier, Pa: Soli Deo Gloria
Pub, 1990), 431.
66. . John MacArthur, The family (Chicago: Moody Press, 1982), ↩
62–69.
67. . John MacArthur, Your family (Chicago: Moody Press, 1983), ↩
84–85.
68. . Sproul, The intimate marriage, 101. ↩
69. . Baxter, The practical works of Richard Baxter, 1:434. ↩
70. . Ash, Married for God, 138. ↩
71. . Tripp, What did you expect?, 48. ↩
72. . Scott, The exemplary husband, 212. ↩
73. . Mack, Strengthening your marriage, 58. ↩
74. . Mack, Strengthening your marriage, 73–74 has twelve ↩
suggestions for good marital communication.
75. . Adams, Solving marriage problems, 43. ↩
76. . Moles, The heart of domestic abuse, 139–141 victim inventory. ↩
77. . Vernick, The emotionally destructive relationship, 40–45 ↩
emotional abuse checklist.
78. . Alsdurf and Alsdurf, Battered into submission, 19. ↩
79. . “I’m a Complementarian and Hate Seeing Women Abused,” *Progress ↩
& Joy*, September 2014,
<https://markspansel.wordpress.com/2014/09/23/im-a-complementarian-and-hate-seeing-women-abused/>
(accessed February 27, 2017).
80. . Canfield, Broken and battered, 59. ↩
81. . Canfield, Broken and battered, 252–253 abuser ↩
self-diagnostic.
82. . Moles, The heart of domestic abuse, 133–138 inventory for ↩
abusers.
83. . Moles, The heart of domestic abuse, 34. ↩
84. . Canfield, Broken and battered, 243. ↩
85. . Moles, The heart of domestic abuse, 46. ↩
86. . Moles, The heart of domestic abuse, 70. ↩
87. . Mack, Strengthening your marriage, 18. ↩
88. . Moles, The heart of domestic abuse, 28. ↩
89. . Moles, The heart of domestic abuse, 16–17. ↩
90. . Moles, The heart of domestic abuse, 36. ↩
91. . Adams, Solving marriage problems, 103. ↩
92. . Gouge, Of domestical duties, 432. ↩
93. . Tripp, What did you expect?, 14 six marriage commitments. ↩
94. . Canfield, Broken and battered, 202. ↩
95. . Priolo, Picking up the pieces, 179–183. ↩
96. . County, The Healing Path. ↩
97. . Canfield, Broken and battered, 246. ↩
98. . Moles, The heart of domestic abuse, 95. ↩
99. . Moles, The heart of domestic abuse, 107. ↩
100. . Moles, The heart of domestic abuse, 122. ↩
101. . Moles, The heart of domestic abuse, 65–66. ↩
102. . Adams, Solving marriage problems, 8. ↩
103. . Jay E. Adams, *The case of the “hopeless” marriage: A ↩
nouthetic counseling case from beginning to end* (Stanley, NC:
Timeless Texts, 2006), 137–140.
104. . Canfield, Broken and battered, 188. ↩
105. . Moles, The heart of domestic abuse, 61. ↩
106. . Canfield, Broken and battered, 249. ↩